2018.08.25: 1:00 AM – Love Yourself?

Before I start – I’ll warn you – this post rambles, is really long, and it gets personal – and there is a lot about music. Also – I linked every song mentioned so you can find them if you like!

You know how you just start pondering life when you go to bed, and then you’re up until 3Am, just lost in thought (or maybe even having some sort of crisis)? I do this a lot, and it can be a problem, but it can also lead to good insight.

Whether you’re replaying a conversation a thousand times, or panicking because you have to pay tuition for another two semesters, this sort of thing always hits after midnight, am I right?
“You Are the Moon,” The Hush Sound

Anyhow – anyone reading this probably knows how “musically affected” I am. Words already push so many buttons in my mind, and when you set them to music – make them an anthem or a mantra of sorts, then it’s no surprise that music can be such a big part of my mental health.

Sometimes I have to put in my headphones to escape the noise, chaos, and distractions surrounding me (and everything distracts me). Better still is putting in my headphones and heading outside. It’s a strange paradox (and I think a lot of introverts would relate), but if I feel lonely, I tend to head for even more solitude (??) and put in the headphones. Whether it’s the voice, the familiarity, or the words – music I love has a way of making me feel like I’m not alone.

“Iron” – Within Temptation

Good lyrics (and songs) connect you through experience and feelings and remind you that other people have felt the same way, or dealt with similar things.

Do you ever have that eerie tingling familiarity when you hear a song for the first time? Like you could have written it, or that it put what you were feeling into words that you weren’t able to express? This happens with novels and poetry too – when a certain line grabs you and makes you pause to reread it. Those are some of my favorite moments when I read too, and it’s one of the reasons I love words so much.

“Alone Together,” Fall Out Boy

That’s also why a concert crowd full of strangers is often less lonely than a room full of casual friends or acquaintances. At a concert by yourself – you’re alone together – all there for the same reason,  united by music. But if you’re like me and you have a hard time really bonding and seem to slip through the cracks of social interaction . . . then the room full of acquaintances (especially if there are some established friend groups in there) can be the loneliest place in the world.

“The Light Behind Your Eyes,” My Chemical Romance

 

In a lot of ways, school has been that kind of lonely for me. I was always that person who didn’t fit in – I could  get along with anyone – but that was all. As I’ve mentioned in other posts – being older than everyone sometimes is an automatic barrier – whether it’s the constant working on my side, or them feeling uncomfortable because I’m 5-7 years older (that’s not even that much!)

And I’ll be honest and say that yes – I am frequently awkward and inept in social situations I am not paid to deal with (i.e, anywhere outside of work!). Sometimes I can’t think of anything to say, and other times, it seems like nothing I say matters regardless. I’m torn between wanting to connect to other people, and wanting to retreat into myself. And spending too much time in your own head is unhealthy.

“Let You Down,” NF

So that was a pretty long introduction, I know – but the point is – this is how I am and who I am and I’ve struggled to accept many things about myself for years. I won’t get into the details, but the last two years at school and work in Grand Rapids have been difficult. I stopped blogging, I almost stopped reading and writing completely. There were weeks when the only people I saw or talked to face-to-face were co-workers and customers, and it was draining.

“New Beautiful” – Epik High

I spent a lot of time praying, and probably more time being angry. In those times, when I was holding pain inside and I didn’t want to talk about it – that was when I would just listen to music and hold onto the words – because someone out there felt the same way, and we were linked by the song. No matter where I’ve been in my life or over the years – songs, poems, and books were friends that would never leave or lose interest. That is why I am so grateful for every singer or writer I’ve connected with – and I hope that every one of them knows that they make a difference with their words and their gifts.

What got me off on this tangent was that all ^this^ was what I was thinking about at 1:00 am on a Saturday morning in South Korea. Music and loneliness.
“Northern Downpour,” Panic! at the Disco

The day before, Friday, August 24th, was the end of our orientation into HGU, and after the long week in a new place, we celebrated until late that night (see my last post), and when I finally collapsed into bed, my mind was still very awake. Part of it was concerns about the coming semester (money, will I be able to work on Korean if I’m with International Students, money, can I travel?, how will I pay for tuition when I get back?, what if I can’t settle in? oh, and did I mention money?) and part of it was because that Friday was the day that BTS (방탄소년단) dropped their new(ish) repackaged album Love Yourself 結 ‘Answer, the final album in a three-part release, beginning with Love Yourself 承 ‘Her.’  Second was Love Yourself 轉 ‘Tear’ – which had an aesthetic that resonated so deeply it got me out of the aforementioned creative slump (for real). . .

Anyone who reads my Twitter feed saw me gushing about the “Singularity” aesthetic earlier this year. *still haven’t recovered*
So of course, I was pretty excited to see what Answer had to offer. Especially after we got yet another beautiful song trailer with meaningful lyrics (just stick with me – I promise this relates to the rest of the post!)
Self-acceptance is the theme this time around

ALSO this trilogy is actually continuing a series that the guys first began in 화양연화 pt.1  (The Most Beautiful Moments in Life or HYYH ), which feature a sort of alternate universe populated by characters with the members’ names and a complex storyline. The lyrics, videos, notes, and concepts of all their albums since have been tied to this storyline, but also featured many references to literature, art, pop culture, and even current events. (See Wings)

Art Credit @ Mar5122 via DeviantArt Lyrics – “Intro: Nevermind” – BTS

There are people who have a lot of smarter stuff to write about this than I do (links below!), and super talented translators who spend their own, unpaid time to translate lyrics and notes (and I like to do my own translations, but I am not that good and I am sloooow – links to the masters below**).

Anyhow, the point is, if you are a book nerd or a concept album nut (I am both, as should be obvious by now), you love it when bands do this. Some of my all-time favorite bands have done equally elaborate things (Within Temptation did a film series, while MCR had comics and videos, etc.), but few things have managed to hit all of my author buttons like BTS’s HYYH saga. This is as brief of a summary as I can give (and if you know a lot about BTS, it’s probably missing something important and telling you old news, but bear with me here) – but the point of this is that their most recent “Love Yourself” trilogy that is making history for Korean and Global charts (and YouTube) has dealt with a lot of aspects of and thoughts about love.

The final part (Answer), which was released Friday, was about loving yourself and accepting yourself for who you are – not changing to love or be loved by anyone else. Idol, the title track, is a high-powered anthem about how the guys have accepted who they are and who they have become due to their international fame and recognition. It’s upbeat, powerful, and combines traditional Korean visuals and themes with dance pop and pulsing beats. And the video is a can’t-miss.

A giant shark is just one of many spectacles . . . ^^

I knew the album had dropped that night, but I wasn’t able to listen to any of it until much later, and by that time, I was in bed and just popped on my headphones to listen to the new songs. They were all good – but the reason I decided to write this post was because of the song Answer: Love Myself. It has minimal instrumentals, a retro, feel-good groove with gorgeous vocals and gentle rap lines, and it takes its time building up into an anthem-style pop song. All this is great, but it was the lyrics that really got me – as a culmination of the previous projects and because they hit so close to home.

To paraphrase here, the song basically talks about how it’s sometimes harder to love yourself than those around you, and how you make rules and standards for yourself to conform to that you can’t achieve, and you have to face and accept who you are, and that it might take a lifetime to do this. However, it does it with lovely imagery that you can read in a better (!) and full translation here. But I wanted to take a stab at translating it myself: DISCLAIMER – I am just an intermediate Korean student and if you see something I translated incorrectly tell me. Read BangtanTranslations if you want expert translations!

정답은 없을지도 몰라                            Maybe there isn’t a right answer*
어쩜 이것도 답은 아닌 거야                  Maybe/Perhaps this also isn’t an answer

그저 날 사랑하는 일조차                       It’s just that even for loving myself
누구의 허락이 필요했던 거야               I needed someone else’s permission

난 지금도 나를 또 찾고 있어                Right now I’m looking for myself/me again
But 더는 죽고 싶지가 않은 걸             But I don’t want to die anymore
슬프던 me                                                Sad me (past tense – me that was sad, etc)
아프던 me                                                Sick/hurt me (past tense again)
더 아름다울 美                                         (which will be) more beautiful (mei –                                                                                 Chinese character for beauty, sounds like ‘me’                                                                       the way they pronounce it)**

*The first line literally means they don’t know if a “correct answer” exists. **With the character 美 said as ‘me,’ this could read as “the me which will be more beautiful” – (Lyrics from Answer: Love Myself, Copyright @BigHit)

At any rate, this gives you an idea of what’s going on in the song, and why the lyrics might strike a chord! As I was feeling lonely and wondering why I couldn’t just let go and have fun with a group – especially since I was so thrilled about being in Korea – inevitably my thoughts turned to how the problem was me. And there is always some truth to that – it’s good to realize your deficiencies so you can change them. But sometimes it’s impossible to just love yourself and embrace who you are. No one can make you lovable, and changing who you are/how you are to gain others’ love isn’t the answer either. You have to love yourself for who you are, especially if you are going to become better. This is the overall message of BTS’s Love Yourself series (obviously?).

Words aren’t the answer to everything – sometimes they’re just a band-aid trying to fix a broken limb – but they are powerful and can be used to harm or heal. In conclusion – I want to sincerely thank every band, writer, singer, novelist, and other wordsmiths out there for using their words to speak the truth, explain, comfort, heal, encourage, and promote understanding.

“Epilogue: Young Forever” BTS/방탄소년단

**LINKS TO THE MASTERS (AKA Resources):

Three of my favorite experts who talk about Asian pop culture, representation, controversy (and a lot of other really interesting things):

Jae-Ha Kim (Journalist)

Ask a Korean (Fantastic Blogger)

Angry Asian Man (another fantastic Blog)

Great videos to explain Korean songs and MVs: DKDKTV explain Idol 

Dedicated fellow ARMY who spend their time translating everything BTS: BTS-Translations/Subs And their translation of Answer: Love Myself

Translations of the HYYH notes, posts, and articles: Glitter_jk

And last, but not least – an very abbreviated playlist of my songs for 1 AM  crises or when you need to be alone with your music:

Quarter Past Midnight – Bastille  – still one of my all-time favorites. Dan Smith has the most beautiful cry in his voice. *chills* –Okay? Happier, Good GriefBasket Case (Green Day cover) . . . JUST LISTEN TO EVERYTHING THIS MAN HAS EVER SUNG

Congratulations – Day6   A crazy talented Korean rock band with clever lyrics and great instrumentals. They put on a heck of a live show if they are ever near you!  I love everything Day6 has put out, and I would also highly recommend their recent single Shoot Me.

Prodigal SonRationale – ahh, I love Rationale so much. This track is pretty straightforward – about sons questioning their fathers’ absence. Rationale first dropped it at the end of 2016 (on Soundcloud).. R & B synthpop with African elements and influences would be the style here, and I love how Rationale takes his time with the melody, holding back his gorgeous baritone power vocals until the choruses. You should listen to the whole album.

Hold Me (feat. Ja Mezz)– MRSHLL . MRSHLL has been at the top of my list of newer artists I listen to all the time. His voice is like velvet – and his style of throbbing r & b with minimal instrumentals and excellent vocals – I love it so much. “Hold Me” is a chill song that you can get lost in for a few minutes.

Whalien 52  – BTS  (Lyrics Translation)

From Whalien 52

A song about a lonely whale (seriously) – it uses the metaphor of a whale that no other whales can hear (52-Hertz whale), in a scenario a lot like the situations I was describing above! It’s catchy but melancholy, and one of my favorite BTS songs ever. And while we’re talking favorite BTS songs – you should definitely listen to Spring Day/봄날 , which is one of my favorite songs in any language, and so perfectly captures bittersweet feelings and nostalgia. I can never decide if it makes me happy or sad though.

Dancing is Not a Crime – Panic! at the Disco. This is a feel-good Broadway-tinged song with the usual touch of despair via Brendon Urie’s phenomenal voice. I love the clever lyrics and the way he uses his voice to embellish them. (And the line “I’m a moonwalker, I’m like MJ up in the clouds – I know it sounds awkward . . . ^^)

Still New York – Max, Joey Bada$$. If you’ve ever been nostalgic about a place you will get this song. I love Max’s voice so much, and the lyrics really capture the NYC feel. It’s upbeat and has a great refrain to sing along to.

Cold Water – Justin Bieber, Major Lazer.  You can throw rocks at me later. I am fully aware that this is a Bieber song and that it was pretty popular. BUT – if you listen to the lyrics, it’s relatable, and it’s also a dance-worthy, feel-good guilty pleasure track that will stop your playlist from getting too low.

Missing Person – Michael W. Smith. This song is old – but the message and sincerity still  get me the way they did when I first heard it (I think I was 8?) It still convicts me and makes me think. And it’s really catchy with a unique sound.

Bring Back the Summer (feat. Oly) – Boehm Remix – Rain Man. For whatever reason, I really like dance pop? I love to dance myself (even though I’m terrible, lol). There isn’t much to this song, but it’s fun to dance or workout to, and still has traces of sadness under the throbbing beat.

The Light Behind Your Eyes – My Chemical Romance. One of my favorite songs from one of my favorite bands of all time (killjoys never die) – it’s far more gentle than the normal MCR song, but just as honest and thought-provoking.

Flip it over and – MAGIC

Save MeBTS. This is a song you immediately want to dance to (and the video is amazing, like all their videos) – but it has a desperation underlined by the repeated “Save Me, Save Me, I need your love before I fall, fall . . .” that alternates with soaring vocals. The first time I heard it, I couldn’t stop listening to it. Bonus: the sequel song “I’m Fine” is also fantastic.

Love Still Goes On – The Click Five. I have a thing for disbanded groups, which adds a bittersweet touch to any song. The Click Five have been close to my heart for years. This song is all snare-drums, synth, and power vocals. It’s a song about moving on, change, aging, and how love can continue through those things.

SomewhereWithin Temptation . WT are another band that I will always love – no one has ever topped their soaring symphonic metal. Anyhow, they are always a heavy rotation for me, but I tend to like the power ballads and higher octane songs best. Somewhere is not either of those things. It’s a gentle, hopeful song about finding someone/something – and persevering until you achieve your goal. Sharon’s voice has never been more beautiful or touching, and the lush strings and subtle backing vocals are the perfect accompaniment. The acoustic version with fellow rock vocalist Anneke Van Giersbergen is also phenomenal!

I Need U– BTS  – I promise I’ll quit it with the BTS after this (but really, you need to listen to their entire discography). I Need U is the song that really got me into BTS and into their album’s storyline. I think it’s the same for a lot of fans though. Something about the chorus, the video, the earnestness of it all – and the relatability (is that a word?) factor which is one of their biggest global draws.

Unknown (To You)  Timbaland Remix – Jacob Banks. Jacob Banks has one of those voices that makes you stop what you’re doing just to listen. If he sang through a dictionary, it would probably be worth listening to. The song I picked is one of those brooding, broken-hearted pleading ballads, and you can just feel the emotion of the lyrics through his voice. The strings, drum, and piano cushion for his voice is perfection.

Never Enough – Loren Allred. You will recognize this song if you saw The Greatest Showman. Gentle piano intro, theatricality, and a lovely melody suit the lyrics. This one tugs at your emotions but isn’t quite as easily embraced as the fantastic This is Me. I think it’s the raw ambition and dissatisfaction (of Never Enough) as opposed to the self-acceptance message^^. My only complaint is that Brendon Urie hasn’t done a cover of it.

Before the Sunset/해가 지기 전에 – Eric Nam  This song has the dubious claim of being one of the few songs that has made me cry on repeated occasions. So why is it on this list? The song is completely in Korean, but I think that the regret, sadness, and longing of the lyrics translate through the song and Eric Nam’s beautiful delivery. It’s from the Korean crime drama Mad Dog– which was also one of the best shows I watched in the past 2 years.

High HopesPanic! at the Disco – I think everyone has heard this song? But listen to the lyrics. This is probably one of the most relatable songs that Urie has ever written. It’s catchy and fun, but the dry observations about success and working hard are the real winners when you pair them with Brendon Urie’s vocal talent (I also highly recommend listening to Dying in LA).

OKAY – that was a really long post and I’m impressed if you made it to the end

I just had to get it off my chest, you know? Anyhow, is music like this for you, or not really? Do you recharge by seeing people or having time to yourself? Has there been a time in your life when words really helped or hurt you? Did you look at my playlist? Do you have songs to add? (I mean, if I put my whole playlist it would have been over 200 songs, lol).

Answers?

 

Author: Beck

A writer who has been doing a lot of other things along the way Currently working on my Korean fluency and editing/writing/refining dozens of novels I love music almost more than I love food #BTSARMY

2 thoughts on “2018.08.25: 1:00 AM – Love Yourself?”

  1. First, and maybe most importantly… *hugs* I’m sorry to hear that the past 2 years were so rough. I think I know one of the reasons why (a certain book that was supposed to be published but wasn’t), but that clearly wasn’t the only thing… and you don’t need to go into more detail about anything unless you want to, and until you’re ready. So I hope that things continue to brighten for you, and that your upcoming studies and time in Korea turns into a real rejuvenation for your soul in terms of creativity and overall well-being.

    Now. MOOZIK. Yes. I love it, too, though you most likely know that already. XD I was happy and not at all surprised to see Within Temptation listed here. I actually haven’t listened to their music (or most symphonic metal, for that matter) for a while, and reading how much you’ve connected with their music brought back memories for me. Oddly enough, the song of theirs that’s most meaningful for me is “Memories,” since I first heard that song the day before my paternal grandmother passed away. She was the grandparent I was closest with, so I took her loss the hardest out of all of them. But that song, and “The Silent Force” album as a whole, helped me through that time.

    Other music acts that have been meaningful for me include…

    – Anathema, since their album “Weather Systems” helped me pull out of a season-long depression several years ago.
    – Savage Garden, and then Darren Hayes as a solo artist. I could list off a number of their / his songs that spoke to me at different points in my life: “To the Moon and Back,” “Crash and Burn,” “Words,”
    “Bloodstained Heart,” “Darkness”…
    – Epica’s “Beyond the Matrix.” Its themes of empowerment and “being the master of your energy” came to me at the right time in my life.

    On a related note, I usually listen to music (usually one song on repeat) when writing poetry. So the songs that helped me write those pieces are also special to me. I have a series at my blog called “Poetry & Song” that talks about those “intersections,” if you’re interested in checking that out…?

    1. Sorry it took me so long to reply to this, lol. I love Epica’s “Beyond the Matrix” so much! It’s a great album. I should definitely check out your “Poetry & Song” section. My current music is a Latin Urban remix of pop/dance song “Lights Down Low,” so you’d think I was at a club instead of reading comments . . . ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ (laughing in Korean text/internet speech)
      It is truly amazing how music hits you at the strangest times. Like if I list the songs that made me cry, basically none of them were really sad, it was just the moment. Sad songs usually don’t make me sad.
      MEMORIES – yes, I love that song so much! I feel that it must have touched a lot of people <3
      Speaking of WT, I've been on a nostalgia kick so I've been listening to them a lot, and I listened to their new song with Jacoby Shaddix (from Papa Roach) - "The Reckoning." It's a throwback sound, super epic AND symphonic, so I'm really excited about their new album.
      I've also been listening to a lot of acapella music for whatever reason (?) like Straight No Chaser's cover of the song "All Time Low." Random. I mean, as you all know, I literally listen to about every type of music there is (with a few notable exceptions). TBH, that's how I got into Korean music, J-Rock, ska, or anything else. It's like traveling around the world in your chair. Anyhow, thanks for the kind words, and if I ever feel like writing about it I will (eventually), but blathering about BTS and loving myself is about all I am capable of in that department right now (ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ) - but thanks so much for the support and for sticking with me - it means so much to me <3

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